i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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