You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
