Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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