last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
