Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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