We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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