i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
