a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
