I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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