Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
two words: eviction party
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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