Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
