Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
