Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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