The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
