captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
