The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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