my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
