I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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