Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
