I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
