eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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