I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
