we're making bets on your personal life
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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