It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
