You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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