i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Still dying that you shit outside
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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