What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
