I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
