I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
