I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm like, not good at living.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
