help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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