I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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