I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
