Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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