hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
