the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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