I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
