Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
