Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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