Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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