I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
