Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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