sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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