I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
