I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
