i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think people are normalizing furries
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