is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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