You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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