Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
