Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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