omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
