why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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