I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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