I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize