woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
