I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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