Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
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Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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