Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
