I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
