How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
