My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
barbara walters just said penis...
it was like his penis was on wheels.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
