im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
