his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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