I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
